I just feel like writing what is in my head .. so I hope it does not get too much so some might read and tell me the best
You can also go ahead whishing me the best without reading. I guess it's still quite the same.
Tomorrow I will go to our local art university and talk with a small group about my work to get feedback on it. This would be the assistance of the "communitcation-design"-class which I feel like I could like. On Friday I will go to the same thing but with the "graphic design" class.
I'm a bit nervous because I remember how - with 17 years and a great lack of selfesteem - I reacted after being rejected. I literally dropped art, started to study what I study now (which was not a bad choice but does not feel very close to .. me). And also at the end of last summer I went to a talk with the class for art teacher after (which I now really don't want to do) being very motivated by the teacher for figure drawing-class and was "blasted" away by the exhousted teacher who mainly said how stupid I am to think that 20 works mean 20 works (obviously, how could I!!!) and that for what I brought with me it's mainly all rubbish (to say: cheesy
) but for one photo where she did not get the direction first which actually made me giggle..
To me it seemd like she went for A2 drawings of mostly abstract things and street art and compared to that - of course a4 drawings are not the same.
With my study I have no time to actually do
all the works I would really love to do. My heart bleeds when I stay with small ACEO-Cards because I prefer working "in one blow" and cannot stay up late night all the time just for that because I already have to stay up all night for what I'm doing. I so much do look forward to my Bachelor! I like to finish things and to start new ones. I often feel tired and "slow" so changes push me.
So this is the first point .. I cannot show off what I do want to. I now managed to gather some works, but some of them are really old and do not quite represent me now .. . So I will do some sketches for tomorrow to at least see if what I have in mind is what they like to see.. .
I just do hope that it is not going to be the "fuck off bitch" method again. I'm afraid that this might push me back to a very desolate state I've actually been before questioning if I "will ever make it" and "realizing" that I'm far away from whatever I would like to be in that moment. It's actually most of the time the same with me so I try to stop worrying my head sick and it works most of the time.. . It's like I write exams and right away apply for "doing it again" and when I get my grate I realize that I did a perfect job and do not have to do it again at all. It is not so much the fact of being wrong, but the mere fact that I keep having "bad vibrations" far too long.
The next problem is the ever existing pressure I feel - I do not know if this is acutally what I want. How should I, if I never had the chance to try. I like working for clients and I notice that my work is quite decent to what other people do (at least .. sometimes) that have not been educated or did not do something almost completely different next to it as "full-time-job" but I also feel that I'm not knowing enough (and therefore am not as good as I could be) and think that education or educating myself would make a big deal. On the other side .. I used to really know that from all graphic-related jobs I do not want to do advertisements. Which now changed .. a little. So I just will see. But then I also have and had the very deep interest in psychology and therapy-methods such as art-therapy for disabled or mentally ill people and since very little I wanted to do something that changes the world for a better place (if at least at a small grade) and not make things worse .. which explains why I would not be absolutely fond of doing advertisement (and similar except its for a good purpose - then I would love to do it .. but we all know that those "good things" are rare) .. .
I'm very excited for what will happen this year because I really hope that I will head into a new direction and maybe find what I'm looking for and not what other people are looking for me. But mainly I'm afraid that I will not. So this is the worry-head I want to get rid of because to me it's more this problem then the problem of not making it ..
Sorry for writing so much.. o.O